I mentioned in my last post, albeit briefly, that when we were first TTC I joined an online forum for women like me who are trying to complete their families. What I did not mention was how much of a saving grace that this forum, this community, has been for me- to be able to talk to real people (no holds barred!) about what I am going through is nothing short of a God-sent.
What most people who have never experienced infertility don’t realize is how incredibly isolating the whole process can be. In fact, I’m not even sure that most people going through it realize it’s full extent. An amazing friend of mine recently wrote an article on her blog that captured how every single facet of your daily life shifts when your dealing with infertility.
This article encapsulates so much of how I feel. I have changed in ways that I never even thought possible because of the heartbreak we have been experiencing. The once bubbly, always optimistic and outgoing friend/daughter/sister/wife has been replaced by someone who dreads social events, holidays and even phone calls from family for fear that someone will ask me when we’re going to have kids. For fear that someone will slip a casual pregnancy announcement from someone I know into conversation. For fear that one of the myriad of triggers out there will cause me to burst into uncontrollable tears. It’s an endless and lonely cycle that no matter how hard I’ve tried, I cannot seem to shake and I also can’t even begin to describe to many of the people in my life.
Now that we’ve moved on to IVF (consult later today!), I’m trying to find the joy in my life again and get back that “other” me. It might seem counter-intuitive given the timing but trying to conceive has taken up SO. DAMN. MUCH. of my life for the past 17 months that I’m actually trying to focus my energy away from it. Sure, I’ll still be injecting myself with meds every night and going to what seems like a hundred thousand monitoring appointments to ensure we reach that ultimate end goal but I don’t even know who I am anymore aside from this. I’ve spent the majority of the past year plus so inside my head, imaging what my life will be like when I’m finally a mom… that I’ve forgotten to live it in its current (yes, childless) state. I need to remember what its like to be just me and to love that person for who she is.
So, to my closest and loved friends and family-
I wanted to write a post dedicated to you, even though you may never read it or may not for a long time, to apologize for my absence over the past few months. Maybe you don’t even realize I’ve withdrawn into myself, but if you do, I wanted to explain why I bail on most of our plans and don’t seem like myself. Why I haven’t been in touch to tell you what’s going on in my life. It’s not an excuse- our relationship is equally as important as any of this bullshit that’s going on in my life and I don’t mean to try and justify my actions.
I’ve started so many times over the past few months to let you know how I feel and to reach out but sometimes, it’s just too difficult. I feel like maybe, just maybe, by not vocalizing these issues they won’t be real. I won’t have to see the sympathy written all over your face when I tell you that the thing I want most in this life may never happen for Jon and I. It won’t force you to give me your condolences when you really don’t know what to say and are maybe incredibly uncomfortable with it all.
So I’m here to say I love you. And I promise, one day, I’ll be back to a (slightly altered version of) my normal self. It may not be tomorrow, it may not be next week or even month but I’ll get there. Know that in the meantime, you mean the world to me and that I’m trying to get better.